I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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