Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
