you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
