I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
