she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
