watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
