She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
