She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
