So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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