Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
