My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
