the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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