why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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