my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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