I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
