Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize