i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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