I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
