I can text with my tongue
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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