We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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