I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
