I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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