I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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