It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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