Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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