I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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