I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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