so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
