It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
