I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
