I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
