When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
