He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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