Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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