Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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