I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
