remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
