i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I just went to clothing optional bar
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
