I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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