Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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