dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
