I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
