The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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