I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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