If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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