Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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