I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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