I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm going to jail i love you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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