how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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