I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
