This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
