My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
