It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
