i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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