My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize