Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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